Money Matters

Just the other night while having dinner and drinks with friends, apart from catching up with each other, we indulged in a little discussion on money matters and the gender divide.

Specifically, the theme was whether or not a man should pay for the woman every time. It sounds simple but in actual fact it isn’t because there are many facets or permutations to this question. I’m not an expert on social etiquettes and relationships but in the context of my own experience and opinion, here are some of the going concerns to be addressed…

A. Affiliation

1. Just Friends / Acquaintances

Straightforward. Go Dutch ie split the bill, go ‘a-a’. Unless it’s a business lunch and the meal expenses can be claimed or it’s a repayment in kind for a certain favour, there really isn’t any reason or obligation to settle the bill on behalf of anyone, unless you happen to be a philanthropist.

2. Close Friends / BFFs

Anything goes. There is no hard and fast rule on this one, because between buddies, a treat every now and then (or not) is to be expected. Besides, there’s no need to be shy for suggesting going Dutch.

3. Couples

This is the tricky part. At this stage of the relationship, this should be a non-issue but then many couples have often cited money as one of the main sources of disagreements in their relationships. In actual fact, anything goes because there shouldn’t really be any further formality or superficiality between couples. A detailed look is presented in Section B.

B. Couples - Timing

1. First Date

I think everyone on earth would agree with me that the men pay on the 1st date. No exemptions, no exceptions (maybe unless the guy’s dating a multi millionaire, but that would be a different discussion). If the girl refuses and insists on paying her share, then obviously it’s not a date to her (refer to A 1).

2. In A Relationship

Most couples have their own way of conducting their lives together. I know some who do not really have much care for formality and anything goes because, what belongs to him belongs to her and vice versa. On the other hand, I have seen some women who insist on being treated the same way as to when they were being courted. Their logic is simple – I fell for him because of how he feted me, so why should things change just because we’re a couple now? Likewise, I know guys who base their actions purely on ego – I’m the man so I should pay each and every time, because I’m the provider and she’s my dependent.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to couples because it’s all about character, behaviour, and attitude. At the end of the day, it all comes down to acceptance. If the girl can accept that her guy is stingy and a scrooge, then by all means. Else she should go find an affluent benefactor. And if the guy is willing to accept that his girl is high maintenance, so be it. Else he should look for a girl who is low maintenance.

C. Further considerations

As the conversation went on, different dimensions were put into the equation, for instance…

1. Differing attitudes between Chinese-educated and English-educated mindsets.

Some believe that girls from Chinese schools tend to want to be feted while those from English schools tend to be more independent. Likewise, guys from Chinese schools tend to be more traditionalist and egotistical ie insist on paying for everything every time while guys from English schools are more liberal and new age ie when it comes to money, egalitarian principles apply and all sexes are equal.

Of course this is just a general perception and not meant to be stereotypical.

2. Differing income level between genders

It is believed that in this day and age of equal opportunities and a (striving) egalitarian society, women not only have careers as good as their male counterparts but perhaps even better. The argument is this – if both men and women’s income at the same age group are on level terms, and as income levels increase in tandem with age, then younger women would tend to look for older men and vice versa if money were a concern for either party. This is because the guy whom a girl is dating and of the same age is less likely to be able to afford to pay for her needs, given that they earn the same amount.

Of course there is no statistics to support this and it’s just a general observation of the current demographics and state of economy.

3. Expected behavioural patterns…

A guy who pays for the girl may have either of these mentalities:

1. I paid for everything, so I should get something in return; or
2. I paid for everything because she’s worthy and deserving of my efforts; or
3. I paid for everything and it makes me look like a real man.

A guy who is paid for by the girl may have either of these mentalities:

1. It’s a 2-way relationship, and it shows she cares; or
2. She earns more than me, and it makes me look inadequate; or
3. I don’t mind at all and I hope I pay less from now on.

A girl who is paid for by the guy may have either of these mentalities:

1. He pays for me, so I’m obliged to / owned by him; or
2. He pays for me because he’s expected to anyway; or
3. He pays for me because he’s such a gentleman.

A girl who pays for the guy may have either of these mentalities:

1. I paid for him because I’m financially independent and I can afford to; or
2. I paid for him so I don’t owe him anything and therefore do not feel obligated; or
3. I paid for him because we’re a couple so we should share the financial burden.

Of course, the list of permutations and possibilities are actually endless and the examples above are non-exhaustive.

Conclusion

To be honest, there is no conclusion because everyone is different. There is no definite answer to should a guy pay for a woman each time. It’s dependent on the relationship that one is in, the couples’ mentality and attitude and also on the culture and what society expects.

Having said that, in my humble opinion, the men should ALWAYS OFFER to pay, whether he’s in a new relationship or have been married for years, or whether he can or cannot afford to, and it doesn’t really matter whether the lady earns her own keep or not because the gesture is more meaningful than the actual act. It’s akin to opening the door for a lady, irrespective of whether or not she’s capable of opening it herself because it’s courteous, respectful and chivalrous. And, to a certain extent, the guy would have to be terribly thick skinned and have it reflect badly on him to just let the door slam on her face. After all, if he’s doing it for someone whom he cherishes, then there really shouldn’t be any 2nd thought.

One thing’s for certain, though. There is only one way to find out which method works best – try either paying or not paying each time (if you’re a guy) or obliging to be paid for or offer to pay (if you’re a girl) and see what happens.


Disclaimer: The subject matter presented is purely the opinion of the author and not a representation of any expert or professional advice. Laksa Diaries will not be held liable for any break ups in relationships of readers who attempt to carry out the unsolicited and qualified suggestions of the author.

GPS

GPS is the abbreviation for Global Positioning System.

In layman terms, it’s my life saver. When in foreign lands, there are 2 basic and important needs that one must fulfill, namely:

1. Money – the ability to purchase essential items and then some.
2. Contacts – including friends and people who are generally able to help when the need arises.

However, in order to meet those 2 requirements, one should possess a tool as a form of assistance. That tool is a GPS unit.

With a GPS unit, one can easily find directions to the bank or ATM to withdraw money and to places for buying stuff. With a GPS unit, one can find directions to people who are able to offer help or to meet friends.

I’ve been using my handy Garmin Nuvo for the last 2 years, and it has never let me down. From all over Australia to parts of the peninsular, this handy servant has served me well. Actually, it hasn’t been that perfect but on most occasions it has helped me to find my way home or to my destination whenever I get lost (which is all the time). It also saves me the trouble of having to refer to maps while driving (which can be hazardous and futile when on the highway, particularly at night). Just plug it on and stick it on the windscreen, and I’m good to go. Hassle free and no worries, it gets me where I want to go and back again.

However, there have been rare occasions when things have gone seriously wrong… or rather it was partly the drivers’ fault. For instance, I find it hard to concentrate on the directions when driving while intoxicated. The directions can go haywire when driving near too many highways/ split roads etc because at the pace I’m driving, I can actually take the wrong exits/ turnings and end up on the incorrect route. If I can recall correctly, about 4 months ago, even while following the directions on the GPS unit, I nearly ended up in Kuantan when I was supposed to be heading home in KL. Then again, I wasn’t driving and my co-driver was somewhat intoxicated so perhaps some human error was involved.

Apart from that comical incident, I’m still thankful for having the Nuvo by my side. I know that no matter where I end up, I’ll always find my way home.

Requiem

It’s been a long hiatus since my last update. Many things have happened in the last few weeks.

I’m glad to report that I have moved into my new apartment at Sri Petaling. Still a number of things I need to do to fix up the place but it’s more or less presentable now. A lot of DIY work which I’ve had to learn by trial and error but I guess that’s what makes it more worthwhile, enjoying the fruits of one’s labour, so to speak.

I’ve finally gone through with my surgery. I had to limp for a few days following that procedure but after physiotherapy sessions and lots of rehab time, my knee is in the right place once more and my torn ligaments have been mended. Although I still move rather gingerly, I should be back to normal after a couple more weeks. I’ve been very careful with my diet and have not consumed any alcohol for the last half month or so. It’s been truly a period of detox for me.

Last but not least, I had my heart broken... once more. Just when I thought I had finally found love, it has eluded me once again…

You know the hard part about going through a break up, no matter how many times you go through it, as it’s never easy each time round, is that being in a foreign place makes it even that much harder. My confidantes are all over the world, of which I have limited to confide in here in KL. I think I’ve been devoting considerable time conversing on msn and making long distance calls just to have a listening ear. As cool and as tough as my exterior may seem to portray and as much as I try to fight my own battles alone, at the end of the day, I’m just a human being with emotions and feelings. I can’t be brave and strong all the time, even though I have to carry myself that way in the public eye, especially when I’m in a high profile job where I need to meet with people all the time. It’s like what TS Eliot once said, “To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet”. Why? Because “the world is a stage, and we’re all actors in it”, according to Shakespeare.

Indeed.

Although deep down inside I’m still bitter and hurting, I’ve got to be optimistic, rational and objective. I have to look ahead and move forward instead of stalling and sinking further into the quagmire that I’m currently in. And learn from it all. The moral of the story: nice guys always finish last. Never again will I be too nice or put in a hundred percent in relationships. It just ain’t worth it. In fact, I’ve developed a phobia of it. It takes me a long time to recover from a heart break and it’s a vicious cycle that I’m trying to break free of.

Well, at least I’ve still got my health and a new home to look forward to, as well as new sets of friends to make. I’m thankful, too, for all the support and shoulder to lean on from my mates back home and everywhere else. Sometimes, just being with people but not having to say a word, instead simply enjoying the silence together can be therapeutic. I’m grateful for this wonderful invention called blogging… it allows me to bare my soul without having to do it verbally in the absence of the physical presence of an audience.

I’m looking forward as well to my business trip to Jakarta next month which should take up 2 weeks before flying home to Kuching for Christmas. I’ve got initial plans in the pipeline for a solo backpacking trek across Siem Reap and Angkor Wat, Cambodia by end of this month, if my knee has sufficiently recovered. Even if it hasn’t, I’ll still go. I need to leave KL for a while… I need to do some soul searching and find myself again…

Yes, find myself again…

Surgery

In a few weeks’ time, I’ll be undergoing minor surgery to correct my knee ligament damage. Here’s how it happened…

I love playing football and futsal. I’ve been playing the sport for years, ever since high school all the way through college, uni and my working life. I’ve had my fair share of injuries as well.

I once tore my thigh muscle after having a run out for 30 mins during a footy friendly, which took me 1 month to recover. Not long after that, while playing footy for my audit firm in KK, I pulled my hamstring. I never really fully recovered from that, even after numerous treatments including acupuncture. A few years later, I had my ankle kicked at by someone with legs the size of tree trunks. It ended up being swollen and developed blood clotting at both sides of the ankle, which took about 3 weeks to recover. Last year, while playing futsal for my company in Gold Coast, I fell badly on my right knee after a sliding tackle from a gwailo which effectively ended my season.

I thought I had recovered from that and started playing futsal in KL again, until I got tackled at the same spot which aggravated my old injury. As a result of that, my ligament has gotten from bad to worse and I now have no option other than to undergo corrective surgery.

The doctor has diagnosed me with a grade 2 partial tear of the anterior cruciate ligament of the knee and has recommended that reconstruction surgery be performed. What that entails is taking a graft of tendon to replace the damaged ligament. It’s a minor operation which involves some post-surgery physiotherapy to get my knee back to full health. I can still work out at the gym, as long as I don’t run or perform strenuous cardio or resistance exercises which affect my knee.

Moral of the story: Football is a sport that’s nice to watch but requires extreme precaution and protective gear when participating in it.

Wish me luck!

Family

My parents have come over for a visit. They’ll be here for about 2 weeks, staying with me on and off while alternating with visits to other relatives in KL.

It’s refreshing to live with them again, albeit for just a short while. They’re both retired and have been travelling a lot, going on tours overseas and basically just enjoying a relaxing life. Now that I no longer live with them, I actually look forward to seeing them whenever I have the chance. Being the only child in the family, I share a close bond with them. Unlike many dysfunctional families that exist nowadays, my family is close to perfect in that there’s never been any major upheaval in our lives. My dad’s an honourable gentleman who’s a bit of an old fashioned romantic while my mum’s an understanding and supportive lady who never lets her family down. At a time when extra-marital affairs and cases of divorce in families are rampant, my mum and dad have stayed faithful to each other over the last 3 decades and I hope to follow in their foot steps in time to come. There’s a lot of crap that goes on in the world but I’m glad my family has strong morals, values and ties to withstand all the negativity in life.

I suppose the biggest plus about seeing my parents is that I attain a sense of balance again. Sometimes when you’re living by yourself, you tend to lose sight of the bigger picture and sense of belonging that you just drift apart from your inner self. What really matters in life, what shouldn’t be a priority… they remind me of who and what I really should strive to be instead of the selfish and egotistical maverick that I sometimes can be. There are more important things in this existence apart from money and materialistic gains, like love for the family. Now that is priceless.

Friends are important, but family even more so. I’ve seen friends come and go; those who are genuinely trustworthy while others who are just full of it and capable of betraying. When it comes to outsiders, there is an uncertainty about them. Not all of them give a damn about your welfare. With family, however, there is no such ambiguity as they will always stick by you no matter what.

Well, at least mine does.

Infidelity

A couple of nights ago when I was out having drinks with a few friends, we indulged in a rather passionate discussion/ debate about men and relationships. I think it started when someone posed the question, ‘If you were married and, at the same time, met another woman who could fulfill your needs better than your wife, who would you choose?’ I found it to be a rather intriguing question.

Anyway, we took turns presenting our opinions and when it was my turn to give my take on the subject, well, I’ll provide the response I gave that night at the end of this posting because I think the subject matter warrants a more thorough evaluation.

Men are simple. Really. But they’re not all the same - you just have to categorise them. The main difference between us blokes boils down to one thing – conviction. What induces conviction? The principles with which one holds dear to his heart and mind. Even those who have no principles, that is a principle in itself. How we men come up with those principles is based on many factors, such as upbringing, the environment, culture and, most importantly, past experiences. I suppose you could say the same thing about women, but then this posting isn’t really about them.

Let’s take for instance, certain men who would not think twice about paying for sex. To them, it’s just a business transaction – money in exchange for a service, just like you would if you stepped into a hair salon. Then there are those who think nothing of dating multiple partners at the same time. A nicer way of describing it would be to term it as “keeping their options open” while a less tactful description would be calling it two-timing. But of course, not all men share the same view about such matters.

Now what about married men? There are women out there who believe that men are all the same, in that all men will, at one point or another, somehow cheat on their wives. There are a few assumptions to this hypothesis:

1. Men will eventually tire of their wives because, when you’ve been married to one for so long, you will get bored.
2. Beauty will fade in time, prompting men to go in search of youth.
3. Their wives were inadequate in the first place, leading to men seeking solace in other women who can provide them with much more.
4. This is the classic. Men won’t – or can’t – say no to being seduced by a gorgeous woman.

Granted, those assumptions seem to pose quite valid points. I won’t disagree with them at all because they could be true and who’s to say they’re not. But whether or not they hold true, all men approach them differently. Why? As I’ve mentioned before, men are not all the same. I can’t respond on behalf of other men as I do not know what their respective principles may be. I can only answer for myself.

There are no guarantees in life, except death and taxes. At this point in time, I cannot guarantee or promise that I will never tire of my wife, should I ever be fated to have one. There are no guarantees either that I’ll end up marrying the “perfect wife” or that she’ll age gracefully into her twilight years. I’m not definite on handling a situation whereby a beautiful stranger attempted to seduce me, if indeed it were to happen. There are those who think they can make promises on come what may, but I think they’re just kidding themselves and those whom they’re trying to sell their ideas to.

There is only one certainty that holds true – I just have to ask myself if I love my wife. Call me old school but I still believe in true love. When you love someone, you stick by that person through thick and thin. When you love someone, you don’t subject that person to pain and hurt of your own making. When you love someone, no one else can provide you with what you need except that person. When you love someone, you love the imperfections that are part of that person because to you, they’re not. That’s my conviction. As long as I have my conviction, then I know just what to do and what not to do.

As for my answer on that fateful night, well, I tried to explain that it takes time to know a person before I could summarily conclude that that person would be able to fulfill any of my needs. Likewise any of my needs that that person would not be able to fulfill. At the end of the day, perfection simply does not exist. It is a cycle that only ends once I’ve made my choice a finality. My underlying conviction is that no woman in this world is flawlessly perfect. I just have to find one that’s perfect enough for me, so that when I do, my search would have ended there and then. There may be more than one woman out there who can fulfill my needs, but I only have enough love to give to one of them.

After all, no one else can provide me with what I truly need, except the woman that I love.

Piracy

You know, many things have been written on the papers and spoken in public about how rampant DVD piracy is in Asia. Even the movie stars themselves have been campaigning against it, particularly in Hong Kong which involves huge rallies to bring people together to fight piracy. I think the entertainment industry have the right to voice out concerns over unethical practices that not only affect the livelihood of those involved in the industry but the earnings of legitimate and official DVD distributors.

However, having said that, I’m personally guilty of condoning piracy, purely because I belong to the category of pirated DVD clientele. I believe many people are as well, judging from the number of customers I see frequenting my usual supplier.

I love watching DVDs, and pirated ones are way cheaper than the original versions. It’s also convenient because there are so many illegal sellers around the suburbs and sometimes, you get to see the “mobile” distributors walking around restaurants and cafes hawking their fare. You don’t have to go to them – they’ll come to you.

The interesting thing about DVD shopping at these little outlets is that they have a whole range of categories to choose from. There are English, Chinese, Malay, Thai and foreign films. Then there are movies, dramas, documentaries and music videos. Yeah, sure you can download them from somewhere but it takes effort in scouring the internet and figuring out what’s worth downloading anyway. So it’s just so much more convenient to physically look around and see what you like. Besides, I’m always assured of the quality and my supplier provides a reliable replacement policy. That is, as long as the shop doesn’t get raided first!

Sometimes, there really isn’t much to be done on weekends apart from just staying in and laze on the couch while indulging in some nice movies or dramas. That’s where I’m kind of thankful to pirated DVDs. They bring joy to me on Saturday and/ or Sunday mornings. Although I do subscribe to Astro, I can tell you that especially during the day – unless there is some major event going on like the Olympics or Grand Slams – there is absolutely nothing worth watching on TV. With all the money going into paying the subscriptions, you’d expect a little bit more than re-runs of previous seasons of whatever that’s supposed to be prime time programmes.

That reminds me, what movie shall I get on the way home tomorrow..?

Aishiteru 愛してる

I love Japanese songs.

I've loved listening to them ever since I had started watching Japanese dramas, movies and animes during my teens.

I'm a big fan of Speed, Utada Hikaru, Ayumi Hamasaki, Namie Amuro, Mika Nakashima, Yuna Ito and, of course, the legendary Seiko Matsuda.

Here are some of my favourite music video clips.

Enjoy :)

Seiko Matsuda - medley



Ayumi Hamasaki



Speed



Mika Nakashima



Utada Hikaru



Yuna Ito



Namie Amuro

Public Transport

I remember taking the bus to high school in my teens back in Kuching. In those days, the buses were a dark shade of blue, had no air-conditioning and the windows were permanently unadjustable for whatever reason. I never needed to blow dry my hair after showering in the morning because a 30 minute ride in the bus at full (maniacal) speed would’ve provided all the blow dry – and then some – I ever needed. It was bad hair day everyday.

Some 6 – 7 years later, when I was based in KL for a short stint, I had to take the then Intra Kota bus to work. It used to be a 45 minute ride from Damansara Heights to Jalan Raja Laut, and probably 1 hour 30 minutes for the return trip. Yes, the traffic jam was quite unbelievable then too. During that time, not once did I ever have the chance to sit in the bus because they were perpetually packed like sardines. I swore I’d never ever use public transportation in KL again.

Fast forward some 10 years later, about a month ago. I lent my car to a cousin for a couple of days to make his interstate trip. I was left with no choice but to rely on public transportation once more. This time, however, instead of the bus, I used the Light Rail Transit (LRT). I thought it was going to be a straightforward trip with no traffic woes whatsoever… until I found out I had to walk 10 minutes to the nearest train station, at Ampang station. From there, it was approximately a 25 minute ride to Hang Tuah station, where I had to interchange to a Monorail line.

Hang Tuah station is really interesting, because even though it’s situated in the middle of nowhere, it was always packed to the brim by commuters waiting to interchange as well. The thing with monorail trains is they’re very small – short and compact – and not particularly accommodating during rush hour. I had to wait about 15 minutes and 2 trains later to be able to board one. Or rather I was pushed into it by a diminutive-looking but very brutish middle aged woman who was (inadvertently?) molesting/ rubbing my ass for most of the trip. Fortunately, the journey didn’t take too long as 3 stops and 10 minutes later, I arrived at my destination – Raja Chulan station.

Total duration of the trip was about 60 minutes. All of it was spent standing up. Part of it involved my ass being molested. If I had driven, it would have taken me 25 minutes max, on the elevated highway and through Jalan Sultan Ismail…while sitting down and not physically taken advantage of by a desperate housewife.

I’m not lending my car to anyone ever again. Period.

Sing-along-song

One of the favourite pastimes in KL is karaoke.

It’s such a huge thing here that you see Red Box and Neway at nearly every shopping mall. To top it all off, most of the neighbourhood/ suburban pubs (those outside KL city centre and other hip, posh areas) come equipped with a karaoke set and very loud speakers. The difference between these pubs and the franchised outlets is that the pub-goers have got the guts to sing in the open with other patrons watching on and without the privacy/ safety of a sound-proofed room. I gotta admit, though, some of these amateur part-timers are really good.

The favourite songs of choice? Chinese Canto-pop/ Mando-pop love songs. Specifically songs from Jacky Cheung, Leslie Cheung, Sandy Lam, and Faye Wong, among many others. On some nights, you might get to hear more contemporary fare from MP4, SHE, Kay Tse and Janice Wai Lan. On a personal note, I love listening to Chinese songs and I love karaoke. Problem is, I just can’t sing Chinese songs because, admittedly - with some trepidation and a whole lot of embarrassment – I can’t read Chinese. That’s the curse of being a “banana”. But I can sing (not very well, not in public and only when drunk) English songs.

There are quite a number of good – and equally not so good – locals who can sing English songs rather well. The only issue I have with them is they tend to sing ancient oldies and, for some reason, MLTR which happens to be a hit with karaoke machines. I absolutely hate MLTR and I just wished more contemporary songs were sung. Somehow, you’re not gonna hear people singing to Akon, JT or PCD any time soon. Which is a shame, when you’ve run out of songs to sing. Karaoke machines at most pubs are not so up-to-date with English songs, apart from the usual oldies and lots of MLTR which are quite badly sub-titled anyway.

If I want to blend in with the locals, I guess it’s time to build up those nerves and stretch the vocals by practicing first at Red Box. At least it’s totally private and, I do think they have got some pinyin numbers…